I am in a good place:)

Beginning of the desolate road to longevity.

I hate that I'm doing this right now...

After yesterday's amazing love fest, today was a polar opposite.

He woke me up to first tell me that all of our plans for today were canceled because his dad no longer wanted me to come to the city to see him and he was no longer allowed to leave the house all day. We were supposed to sleep together tonight. He said he wanted to. Besides the point. Suddenly said conversation turned into him not wanting to be on the phone with me at all or talk to me whatsoever and even his dad telling him to hang up on me. He then proceeded to break up with me, block my phone number and stop responding to literally every communicative way I tried in order to get ahold of him. Which I failed at doing in the long run. We went from 11:08am this morning until 5:21pm without sharing a single word when he finally responded to one text that I had sent him over an hour previous: Are we broken up right now?

He responded with: No. I'm not using my phone. I love u i'll call u tonight.

I have no idea what the fuck this is supposed to mean. I have not responded. I don't know what to expect.

I also don't enjoy being put in the position that I feel like... pathetic. And worthless. And alone. And why am I the one who's feeling not good enough for him? I am most definitely good enough for anybody! And any boy who makes me feel otherwise ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

Except... he's perfect for me. This weird crazy misbehavior that's taken him over has been recent and twisted. I don't understand it. I believe he loves me. Yet everything is slapping me in the face making me think my beliefs may be wrong.

If he would communicate with me, in a caring manner, explaining what he needs and what he desires, I would be able to attend. However he is leaving me in the dark. I want to be strong but my heart strings are pulling me down to a groveling level by not being able to just let go of him. My heart believes that I am better off with him than without him. My heart believes that he is better off with me than without me. My mind knows that at the moment this connection has been a stresser. My mind knows also that while stressing it may be, it is wonderful at other times: so much so that it's worth saving.

I don't believe ( my heart nor my mind) that this crack cannot be fixed. If he is willing to fix it, so am I. He has told me that he is. However he's also said that he doesn't care anymore - making me think he isn't.

Part of me feels that maybe he fell out of love with me. But that part of me is very small and usually bullied by the other part so fuck that part.
The other part of me feels that maybe his position is too stressful and he does not know his emotions from his heart. If he is overwhelmed he would be likely to shut me out to try to gain control. However he does not know that he needs to embrace me instead of leave me. He does not know that what is stressing him out could be made easier if he went through it not alone. It could be easier if he had someone to lean on. It would be easier if he was loved during it. I know he knows I love him. In fact he said I love him more than he loves me. I don't know whether to take that as a reason to stop showing him love or whether to just accept that maybe one day he will love me more again.

I think I will stop showing as much love. Until told otherwise. My boot camp: No love noises, no phone calls, no smiley faces in texts, no words about love other than to say it (only if said to me already) back, no seeing him unless forced. 

I miss him so much it makes me sick. So I'm not going to let him see. That way maybe I'll find someone to miss me back and not feel this aching low feeling. 

I have no choice but to do the best I can with what I am offered: I will fix everything I see wrong - about myself and about the situation.

I am changing my hair.

I am going to the gym.

I am meeting new people.

I am finding a job (maybe).

I am continuing in school.

I am continuing to love him.

I am a strong woman and I can stand on my own two feet.

I am no longer taking care of anyone but myself.

Good bye cold harsh world, hello talia breakdown # 3.

August 12th 2011 2:30pm ~ 9:25pm

Gorgeous day filled with your comfy bed and what happened in it;), a Weeds episode, a walk through the park and down the beach, sitting on slimy rocks putting our feet in the water, your hand helping me up and down rocks so I wouldn't slip, playing frisbee, thank you for the apple juice, running errands at Walgreens for your dad, thank you for the Snickers with almonds, crazy store shopping and finding one last orange wristband, getting softserve ice cream (dutch chocolate and red velvet cake) topped with oreos, gummy bears, and two cherries :), cuddling in my backseat (even if only for a second), getting two good byes:)

Ultimately, this was the most amazing 5.5 hours of my entire life. We should do it again sometime!
I love you Kevin. You're my shnuggly bear :*

xoxoxoxoxxo 

my 7th month in 2011

so kev kev's homeless technically until he can find a better job/place to live. he was staying with me for awhile which was awesome but my parents wouldn't let him any longer so now he's staying at his dad's in the city (far, far away). he usually has to leave early in the morning when his dad goes to work. i've been driving him there every night and then in the morning he takes the train back to me. he's going to CLC with me in the fall (starting august 22nd) and taking a music class! i'm so excited :) 

anyways, other than searching for low-income housing and well-paying jobs for people without a college background, my life just consists of getting to spend as much quality time with my handsome, amazing, man as i possibly can:)

Good Bye World

He said he wouldn't take it all back tomorrow this time.

It's tomorrow.
He took it all back.
I have been alone for two hours and fifty minutes. I have no gas, no money, no food, no cigarettes.

He hasn't answered a single call or text. Including when I told him that if he didn't respond by 4:00pm, I'd kill myself. It's 4:50pm.

I'm fifty-minutes-passed-dead. He hasn't come home. He has a show tonight at 8... in three hours from now. I threw his base drum out. So he still has that to find out.
I'm alone. I have nobody there for me.
He was my only true friend. He was my only true love.

He was my other half. Without him I don't work. Without him, I can't live. Without him, there's nothing for me.

I don't care how dramatic that sounds. It's the truth. All I've been able to do since he left me is lay in bed and cry because he's not here with me. I can't even stop crying. I can't bring myself to do anything. I know he has to come back here at some point to change or to realize I have most of his drums and he needs them for tonight. I just... 

I had sex with him yesterday because I thought it was forever with him.
Now I know all he wanted was to fuck me one more time.
The only thing he liked about me was having sex. He hated everything else.
He used me. He abandoned me.

I'm an idiot. How could I have trusted someone so fake... 

I feel that it's time for me to join Mike. He gave up, so can I.